It has been a dry couple of months. It has been a time where problems seems to multiply and one problem leads to another before the first has been solved. For that matter, some problems seem to have no good solution with no end in sight. It has been a time where I have felt inept and ineffective as a church leader and as an educator. I have felt unappreciated, and often like I am in the way, like I have been more a bother or hindrance, than a help.
It has been a great time to beat up on myself and feel sorry for myself. A great time to hang my head and mope. I have daily thoughts of wanting to quit (a variety of things and almost everything), or to at least make minimal efforts in the things that I do. I have wondered what those I am suppose to be mentoring and leading and teaching could possibly be gaining from their relationship with me. I have wondered why they would want to continue meeting with me. I have wondered how much damage I have done.
My job has been especially frustrating. It seems almost nothing has gone right to start the year. I was moved out of my room to a corner in a former storage space, sharing with two others. Software and supplies were not ready for my classes (and still are not) and my schedule of what I would teach, where I would teach and who I would teach, seemed to change daily. Answers to unknowns and to problems that were (are) known have been met with silence or more unknowns. This has made teaching difficult, at best, and it has done much to add to my frustrations an feelings of ineptitude. In the bigger picture of education, I find myself in constant conflict with the accepted norms of change in our profession. The very things that made me want to be a teacher in the first place have barely been given lip-service in the grand ideas of reformers. My desire to build relationships with my students and to be a role model for them has not only been ignored, but often discouraged, which has sucked the very life out of what I do. I find myself employed by a system that I don't believe in, but feel stuck in.
In the past two months I have become the old, grumpy, disgruntled teacher that I never wanted to be. I started counting my time until retirement. I have thought often about what else I could do, which has only added to my discouragement by concluding that there is nothing else - at least nothing that would allow me to provide for my family in a reasonable way. I have had a shorter temper, less joy, and little desire to do anything other than go home, whether from church or from work. Home has been my one refuge, where my faith has found some measure of stability. Reading and praying has still been more difficult than in the months before, but at least at home, at least my family, has encouraged my faith rather than tearing away at it. I have tried to write at times, but nothing comes. I have not counted blessings much, this past couple of months, but my family would consume almost all of those that I would count.
But not all.
Even though they have seemed few and far between, there have been a smattering of blessings from others - just enough to keep me going:
521. Sharing a small space with another teacher (also displaced) with whom I can talk about my faith, and family and life.
522. Kids praying in the room next door before school starts
523. Former students stopping by after school to say "hi" and talk
524. A call from Rigoberto, my former college roommate from Panama
525. Genuine concern from friends
526. Moment of disagreement that do not diminish mutual respect
527. An unexpected visit from Nate, Claire, Sammy, and Emily
528. Apples in October
529. A chance encounter with a rep of an organization that we hoped to have in our school this year - a chance to encourage her and express my hope that it can be done in the near future
530. Trivia night
531. Planning a trip to Missouri
532. Compliments from the para educator who helps struggling students in our math class
But the best, by far, is the picture included with this blog (#533) - notes from caring, former students letting me know that they cared, and appreciated me and even better, still do. As a teacher, it just doesn't get any better than that! Getting those notes in my box, during a day and a week when the frustrations were quickly mounting, once again, was the best "pick-me-up" I could have gotten and it is a blessing that will, no doubt, help get me through a difficult year! I am incredibly grateful for awesome, caring, former students, and an amazing gift, perfectly timed!
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