Ok, so God didn't really call me Tuesday night, and we didn't really have the conversation described in my last blog, God Calling. I did talk to God, though, mostly some complaining and venting and some repeated requests that I have been making for several months, but I didn't actually hear God respond to any of it. As far as conversations go, it was rather one-sided. That is basically how all of my prayers are - one-sided monologues where I spew out everything that God already knows. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that is how it is.
I often hear Christians saying, "God told me this..." and "God told me to do that..," but God has never really "said" anything to me. If I am completely honest, I have never heard God actually talking to me at all. I know that doesn't sound very "spiritual," but that is my true experience. In light of how often I hear others talk about their experiences with God, telling them exactly what to do, my lack of hearing God's voice has always made me feel a little like a 2nd class Christian. Others seem so sure of what they are doing because of God's explicit guidance in their life, but I am always wondering if I am doing the right thing. Their confidence has always filled me with doubt.
It doesn't help when they start talking about the "calling" they received for their lives. I'm happy that they have such confidence and have reassurance that what they are doing is "God's will" for their lives, but for someone who has never received such affirmation, their story is actually unhelpful. It is good to hear those stories and hear that God works in those ways, but if you are living out a different experience, those stories can make you feel as though you are doing something wrong. Sometimes they even create paralysis as we wait for a similar experience. I've seen it, I've heard it, and I've lived it. A decision hangs in the balance and no matter how hard you pray and no matter how intently you listen, there seems to be no clear voice from God... and you freeze, because you would rather do nothing than do the wrong thing.
I've never received a "calling," although there are those who have tried to convince me that I have. I guess it just sounds so much better to say I was "called" to be a teacher. But I didn't go into teaching because I was "called" and I never heard God's voice or saw a "sign" that made it clear what my career path should be. After dropping out of college, I discovered an ability to relate to teenagers and I discovered that they would actually listen to me. I started a youth group in my home church and for some reason God blessed my efforts. People around me said I should become a pastor, maybe a youth pastor, but after I tried a temporary gig as a youth director for a church, it didn't seem like the best fit for me. I wasn't horrible at the job, but I wasn't great at it either and those I was working with, and for, weren't exactly giving me resounding encouragement to pursue a pastoral career. So I did some personal inventory. I assessed my skills and weaknesses. I consulted Godly people I trusted and respected. And I prayed... and I waited.
When all was said and done, there was no voice from heaven and no magical writing on the wall. There was just a decision to pursue a career in teaching based on as much wisdom as I could muster. I graduated with a degree in Natural Science, not because God revealed that as the perfect path, but because after several years of floundering in college that was the quickest way to graduation. Later I added math to my teaching credential simply because I had accidentally accumulated enough credits to make that possible.
Over the past 27 years I have tried to make teaching my calling, not because of miraculous, divine revelation, but because I believe we are all called to live out our faith wherever we happen to be. I have come to believe that my "calling" is simply to be faithful where I am, the same calling that all of us have. When Sandy and I chose to move from Fresno to Deer Park, it wasn't because we saw a vision of God beckoning us, it was because we felt it was in the best interest of our family and my emotional stability. We moved because we could and because we knew that we could still be faithful. I have never changed jobs because of some revelation of "God's will," - I changed jobs because I could, without any compromise to my faithfulness. That doesn't make for a very "spiritual" sounding story, but it is an honest one, it is the only one I have. Maybe that means I am not one of those chosen to hear God's call, maybe I am just not a good listener... Or maybe that is just more normal than we like to admit.
As I have grown older and have studied scripture more, I have discovered that there is an incredible absence of teaching that says that God will ever tell us what we should do. Certainly there are some amazing stories of divine revelation, but it seems like a mistake to read those as the norm. We like to quote Jeremiah 29:11:
"'For I know what I have planned for you,' says the Lord. 'I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.'"
While that sounds really good, pulling that verse out of the context of the rest of the story is dangerous cherry-picking (we never seem to pull out those Old Testament verses about death and destruction). Even so, notice the passage says that God knows the plans, not that he will reveal those plans. In fact I am hard pressed to find anywhere in scripture where God promises to tell us the plans he has for our lives. When there is instruction to follow God's will, it is always in the context of obedience to the moral will outlined in scripture. Nowhere are we taught that we will hear a voice, or see a sign, or get a special feeling that will tell us what we should do next with our lives. That doesn't mean that it won't happen, but it isn't taught.
And that is where my struggle has always been, in the implication that it is. It is implied in our vague language about God's will that we use in Bible studies, Sunday School and from the pulpit. It is implied in our stories about God's "calling" in our lives. It is implied in the looks of expectation waiting to hear how God has called and directed me in my decisions. It is implied in the counsel to pray and listen to God. But where it is not implied is in scripture and that has been freeing for me to discover.
Not even in the book of Acts, where we read about the Apostles making numerous decisions, do we see the same kind of language that we often use today. They don't say, "it is God's will that we do this," instead we see, "they decided." Instead of reading "God told Paul to do this," we read, "Paul determined." There are instances where it is clear that God, or the Holy Spirit, directed their steps, but more often, it seems, the Apostles use their collective wisdom to make decisions. That wisdom is, without doubt, granted from God, but God seldom gives them direct, specific, instruction for what they should do and where they should go.
So why should we expect to be any different? If God wasn't directly intervening in each step of the Apostles' live, why would I expect that he would do so in mine? If scripture does not teach that God will tell us his will for our lives when it is time to make a big decision, why would we teach that he will? Why would we even imply that divine revelation is the norm, rather than the exception?
To some this might all sound nit-picky, but, as I have said often before, I believe our language matters. There are clear implications to the words we choose and the way we say things. While we may not mean to say that God will tell you what to do in the midst of your next big decision, it is clearly implied when we say things like, "seek God's leading," and, "pray and listen for God's will." That sounds really spiritual, but it also sounds like we should hear a definitive answer. If we don't we are likely to feel confused, disappointed and even like a failure as a Christian. Rather than being intent on sounding spiritual, I would suggest that we focus more on sounding Biblical. Certainly praying is Biblical, but not necessarily for a clear answer. Instead we should be praying for wisdom, clear thinking and Godly counsel from others. We should hold our decision up to the moral will of God outlined in scripture, to help us make a wise decision. Clearly, if righteousness will be compromised, we don't need God to tell us not to move forward - through his scripture he already has! Also, seek the wisdom of other Godly men and women, especially those older and more experienced who have proven their faithfulness over time. Finally:
And whatever you do in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (Colossians 3:17 NET)
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