No Return

In just a few days I will be making my fourth trip to Mexico to visit an orphanage, Niños de Mexico, that we have supported for many years (you can follow us on the Niños STM 2018 Blog). It has become a special place that has captured my (and the rest of my family’s) heart, in ways I never expected when I started this process with my wife, Sandy, over ten years ago. When we started, we planned and prepared to do the trip once, to prepare one team for one week. In our minds that would be the end of the story, but I guess God had other things in mind.

My good friend Mick, who works with Niños de Mexico, told me that they invite groups to Mexico to fall in love with the ministry that is happening there. It certainly worked with us! After the first trip, we knew, probably even before we arrived home, that we weren’t done. When you discover something special, you want to share it, and we wanted more in our church to fall in love with Niños de Mexico like we had. We found that supporting a ministry financially is not the same as loving the ministry. It is not the same as loving the people who are involved in the ministry. We wanted more people to fall in love with the children, with the house parents, with everyone who is doing such a good work.

So our first trip led to a second trip, which led to a third trip… and now to trip number five. Along the way others have fallen in love like we did. This year we have team members returning for a second, third and fourth time. We have a husband going, in part, because his wife went before they were married and a father going for the first time to see firsthand what two daughters before him saw. The wife of one of our ministers is also going for the first time, following the lead of her husband who went on our first trip. And then we have team members going simply because they have heard the stories of others who have gone before. It is fun to see the interconnectedness of the trips and the ongoing influence of those who have gone before. 

Of course it would be a terrible exaggeration to say that everything has always been good. Not everyone who has gone has fallen in love. Not everyone who has returned has been gushing about the experience. We have, regrettably, made mistakes that have hindered people’s ability to see the great work that is being done.

One of those mistakes has been, at times, emphasizing the wrong perspective. From the very first trip, we quickly discovered that if we gave ourselves over to God, to allow him to do what he would do, something incredible would happened to us as well. As we served in an effort to bless others, we found that God found ways of blessing us more. As much as we tried to put into the trip, as much as we tried to give ourselves away, God gave us back more than we gave. Sandy and I started all this with a truckload of ineptness and weakness, but we simply asked God to somehow use us to make the trip work, not because of us, but in spite of us. And he did - more than we could have ever imagined. So, when we came back from that first trip, we couldn’t help but share what God had done, what we had learned and how we had been blessed beyond measure. Others, from each trip that followed, have done the same…

But some have not…

Not everyone has had the same experience of feeling blessed. Some have come home unfulfilled, even a bit empty and disappointed. None would say that they regretted going, but they might say that it wasn’t what they expected - and in that, I have learned another lesson and realized a mistake.

I have heard it said that expectation is the thief of joy. Even though we had the best of intentions, all our talk of what the trip did for us, set up expectations for some. Even if subconsciously, I believe, some (not all) began to focus on how the trip might be a benefit to them rather than concentrating on how they might be a benefit to others. That is not to say they were blatantly selfish - they were still great teammates, hard workers and committed to the goals of the trip - but the expectations were divided between what they would give and what they would get. 

On the first trip we had a distinct advantage - ignorance. We really didn’t know what to expect. Certainly we anticipated that we would be stretched and changed, but we also feared that we would hate what we had gotten ourselves into. We feared that we would be complete failures and come home embarrassed by our inept leadership. We entered into the whole process with incredibly low expectations for what might happen in us, but hoping, praying, that what we did would be honoring to God, to Niños de Mexico, and the team we were leading, somehow, someway. We didn’t know it at the time, but I believe that was exactly where God wanted us to be. It was where we needed to be.

Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult place to recreate. In my mind, I know that having no expectations often leads to God doing great things in me that I didn’t expect, but, as soon as I try to eliminate expectations, I sometimes do it with a subconscious motive of getting something in return, which, of course, is self defeating. As we talked about how God worked in us, we were building expectations in others that the same might happen in them if they went on the trip. For some it did, but for some it didn’t. 

It is part of human nature, especially in western culture, to make everything about us. So, when considering a short term trip like this, there is a tendency to wonder how the trip will impact me. What will be the benefit to me? How will I be changed? In what way will the trip be worthwhile for me? Those questions may not come out consciously, but, probably more than we want to admit, they are lurking in the backs of our minds. They even show up in our prayers - prayers that ask God to do a work in us through and because of the trip. They are prayers that ask for a return on our investment. They are prayers that set up expectations. But, with those questions and prayers, we set up expectations for ourselves and want God to deliver.

But, what if…?

What if we go and come back basically the same as when we left? What if we pour ourselves out in service, in giving, in loving, but come home feeling like nothing in us has changed? Can we accept that from God? Those are questions I have asked my team for this fifth trip. The questions really go to the heart of why we go in the first place. Are we going to serve, period, or are we going because we expect a return on our investment? Are we going with certain expectations, or are we going simply because we want to give and let God do what God does? If we pray for ourselves, can we pray, sincerely, for God to work in us in unexpected ways, even if that means learning contentment in not seeing the change that we had hoped for? Can we be satisfied by simply investing in others and having them get all the return, not us?

That is how I want to approach this trip. It is how I want my team to approach this trip. I have been there enough to know what it is like, but that doesn’t mean I don’t build expectations. I pray that I can go with no expectations for myself other than to give myself away as fully as possible, no strings attached, no expectations of return for me on my investment. I pray that I can be content, even joyful, if the only return that is realized is realized only by others, and if the return is such that I never see it. May I find joy and peace in giving and giving only.